I did, and I didn't die.

2:44pm: WB.
Livejournal.

8:34am: Subject heading.
I feel like going to the crossroads, only to trade my soul for the ability to write, instead of the ability to play guitar.

Were I a vampire, I would suck z3ro666's blood! (.em llaC)

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH HAHAHAHHAHAA!" - The feeling that came over me upon putting on the new Unearthly Trance, just now. I can already feel the glory of their upcoming shows. Listening to this makes me want to see them in both DC & Baltimore.

I'm crawling out of the house slowly. My intention today is to eventually make it to the mall to look for a couple of pairs of pants, and then either a used bookstore, or Bargain Bill's Flea Market.

"You get what you want."

"Nothing is impossible."

7:39am: How many licks does it take?
What if the second coming of Christ did happen, but this time around, he fell from grace? Went to the darkside? White to black, black to white. Lucifer to God! Lucifer saved! Lucifer born again!?!

"The least you deserve is both." Ha!

Radiant post-demonic Angels with full wingspans. Demons with stained white robes, shamed and wingless.

The same base energy constantly cycling through the whole of Yin & Yang?

Pseudo-intellectual bunk?

9:37am: Every breath is a sigh
I was a child.
Then I thought I had become a man
Then last night, I was a boy again

Enter my dream world
Sprinkle sugar on my visions

I miss the warmth of room 331

5:53am: Good mourning!
A lot of you know by now that I was taken out of public school in the first weeks of what would have been my 5th grade year, and then from there never completed anymore school work, whatsoever. I still insist to this day that I would not be all that I am, were it not for this fact. I refuse to even give in and get a GED, because I'm so completely opposed to the idea of such artificial standards. I'm 20 years old now, and up until yesterday, I thought that my upbringing was probably an EXTREMELY isolated occurence. Turns out that it really isn't. I found this article in the Anarchists community, yesterday -

By Traci Tamura and Thelma Gutierrez
CNN

Thursday, February 2, 2006; Posted: 2:34 p.m. EST (19:34 GMT)

"Unschooled" Nailah Ellis, 10, plays piano at home in Marietta, Georgia, while her mother Barbara watches.

Manage Alerts | What Is This? (CNN) -- It's a child's dream. Wake up whenever you want, with nobody telling you what to do and when to do it. And here's the kicker: No school to rush off to.

Welcome to the world of "unschooling" -- an educational movement where kids, not parents, not teachers, decide what they will learn that day.

"I don't want to sound pompous, but I think I am learning a little bit more, because I can just do everything at my own pace," said Nailah Ellis, a 10-year-old from Marietta, Georgia, who has been unschooled for most of her life.

Nailah's day starts about 11 a.m., her typical wake-up time. She studies Chinese, reading, writing, piano and martial arts. But there's no set schedule. She works on what she wants, when she wants. She'll even watch some TV -- science documentaries are a favorite -- until her day comes to an end about 2 a.m.

An extension of home-schooling, "unschooling" is when parents give their children total freedom to learn and explore whatever they choose.

According to Holt Associates, an "unschooling" advocacy group, in 2005, about 150,000 children were unschooled, about 10 percent of the estimated 1.5 million home-schooled children in the United States.

The term "unschooling" was first coined in 1977 by John Holt, an education reformer, the founder of Holt Associates and author of the book, "Teach Your Own."

Holt felt traditional home-schooling didn't go far enough, He believed parents should not duplicate schools in their homes. He favored an education more freewheeling in nature, one that depends on the child for direction

The expectation is that along the way they will get an education.

There are no mandatory books, no curriculum, no tests and no grades. Nailah's parents are in touch with the local school district and she takes the district's required tests.

While "unschooling" could be characterized as the ultimate indulgence by a parent, Nailah's stay-at-home mother, Barbara Ellis, doesn't see it that way.

"When you get to travel around, that's education to me. That's learning. You're doing it firsthand. You're not reading it from a book. You are not hearing it from a teacher," Ellis said.

But proponents of the public education system suggest these children may be missing a key part of the educational experience.

"There is nothing like the texture of kids having contact with each other, making friends and relating to different adults in a school setting," said David Tokofsky, a longtime educator and member of the Los Angeles Unified School District Board of Education.

Nailah, who would be in 4th grade if she attended a regular school, seems to enjoy the "unschooled" lifestyle, even if she's a bit confused when asked what exactly she is learning.

"I actually don't know what I'm learning," Nailah said. "I think I'm just having a good time."

3:45am: Dear last night,
I was grey, like the color of your tears
I was the walking ghost of myself
I was desperate, pathetic and contorted
Wearing the painted face of a man
Shamed
Because I never learned how to paint smiles
And on this night, like so many times before it
I watched as radiant beauty
Illuminated the filth of my most regretful self
You appeared to me as Angels
Singing sweet songs into a swirling void
Your eyes shone with the light of a loving God
All six of them, but especially those two
Piercing gaping wounds into my sickness
Comforting me with expressions more genuine than my own
"It's kind of embarrassing"
That I take myself so seriously

I wanted so badly to be happy with you
I wanted so badly to be happy with you
I want so badly to be happy with you
I was grey, like the color of my own tears
And your tears
And your tears
And you, brother, I'm not sure if you cry yet or not
In your youth you somehow posses a strength I have not known

Please don't hate me, like I hate myself
Please forgive me, like I can't forgive myself
"Hear my voice in your head
And think of me kindly"
Please.

1:08am: "I think my mask of sanity is about to slip."
I feel less stable than I have ever felt, and I suspect that one day I may very well be driven to insanity, literally.

It's becoming common for me to feel like smashing chairs through windows, or my skull through walls, because of the putrid chaotic emotions that take hold of me sometimes. I don't remember ever being so volatile before.

Thankfully, I don't feel destructive towards anybody else, just very self-destructive.

2:19pm: *+*+*
"There is no such thing as a 'government', there is only people ruling over other people." - KRS One

Low is playing the Black Cat in DC this coming Saturday. I will absolutely be there, unless it sells out, which I seriously doubt will happen.

+*+*+

12:54pm: The fucking truth.
This is one of the best doom albums that I have heard. If you have ignored it because "You don't like clean doom", it's time to quit being a fucking moron. I will send a CDr copy of this to anybody that asks me nicely.

10:04am: hgu
No motivation whatsoever.

It's entirely possible that I won't go to Baltimore today, or even leave the house.

If you ever feel disappointment towards me, know that you couldn't possibly feel more so than I feel towards myself. I have wanted to die nearly every day of my life, for many years now. The only reason that I haven't, and won't go through with it, is because of the strong honor and loyalty that I have for those family members that love me the most. I could never spit in the face of all of the sacrifices they have made for me. So I plod through life, constantly daydreaming of non-existence. I regret having ever made any friends, because doing so has only strengthened my obligation and duty to this life. I wish most of all that I could be completely alone, so that I may die in peace, free from guilt.

The point of this, is simply to be completely honest. To this point, only a select few people have known this part of me. I have grown tired of hiding my misery, and it is easier for me now to let the entirety of myself lay exposed. We all owe complete honesty to each other.

I'm not interested in sympathy, and I absolutely AM NOT fishing for attention with anything that I have said. I don't need it, and it will not help me, so PLEASE, don't bother. Treat me no differently from now on, than you would have had I not openly shared these feelings. I just want to be seen as the entirety of what I am, and that means sharing the worst of myself, along with the best.

4:59pm: Rock the vote!
Here's there deal: I'm going to Baltimore this weekend, for two different shows. Municipal Waste, Sunday at the Jerkstore (I apologize for any uncharacteristic drunken behavior, in advance), and one of two shows Saturday, that I haven't decided upon yet. The problem here is that I'm not familiar with ANY of the artists on either of the shows, but I'm certain that both would probably be good. So I'm going to take a vote, and let the masses decided which show I go to. The only rules are that you have to either be going to one of the shows, or you have to be familiar with one of the artists, and be able to tell me whether they are worthwhile or not. Here are the lineups -

Saturday @ Jerkstore 5PM
Slug's Revenge
Stolen Heart Street Band
Lizz King
Darren Deicide
Brownbird Rudy Relic
The Flat Wheelers

Saturday @ Talking Head 9.30PM

Pearls & Brass
Jack Rose
Long Live Death

Also, if somebody can give me a place to sleep Saturday night, it would be much appreciated. I won't have anything to do Sunday morning/afternoon either, if anyone wants to do anything.

540 588 4894

5:32am: [A --> B] Life
Terrible, nagging dreams.

I dreampt that I shared a bed with two people, a passive but jealous man that I had little connection to, and between us, a woman, for whom we shared a love. I was supposed to be isolated on the bed, she was supposed to be bound to him. I felt strongly that we had been an item in the past, and yearned to be so again. She would inch closer to me, but he would always give some indication that he might be awake, so she would pull away from me over and over again, in fear of being caught showing me affection. This went on for what felt like hours, in the dream, until I eventually woke up, with only the small taunting taste of a comfort that might have been.

It is with this uneasy feeling in my stomach, that I will go to work today.

8:34am: The titans are slumbering.
"Love is the law."

But I'm an Anarchist, and opposed to doctrines of law.

These thoughts this morning have brought me to some interesting ideas. First, what if I were to apply my Anarchist tendencies to all aspects of my life? My definition of Anarchy to this point has simply been "Absence of any form of political authority". What if I were to attempt the COMPLETE abolishment of all authoritarianism, in my life. What if from this day on, I cut myself off from every single outside influence in my life. Every last desire that has the slightest bit of influence on how I act and what direction I move in. Sex, friends, family, food, arts, spirituality. What we are looking at here, is the abolishment of love. Let that phrase sink in for a moment.

Would I not come to know new depths of myself, that had layed obstructed behind my various walls of love?

This is where you interact.

2:09am: You are blood.
I felt that I had gone too far, and still yet I felt even more strongly, that I no longer have the time for such worries.

It is better to have gone too far, than not far enough.

"Release - and everything you are (I am), is on the ground."

So it is true that in the end, we are only to return from that which we came.

11:36am: )))O(((o)))0)))
My words will never fall on deaf ears, because I have my own.

I need not be seen by others, for I am already seen by at least One. Even if I am God, and it is myself I am seeing, I can at least then keep company of myself in your absence. I don't need a SINGLE one of you, but I hold you in my arms lovingly anyway.

Why do I do this?

Because YOUR hearts shine light upon my life.

I could choose to live in darkness to myself, and end the endless search, but that wouldn't be anything more than what it is.

What good is my vision, without light to see in? )))O(((o)))0))) Engage planetary orbit.

11:27am: !
"So I'll take my Father's gun, and go down to the streets
I'll have my vengeance now, with everyone that I meet"

Yeah.

10:08am: Dear Gale,
I smile upon your death throes, And pray that we all won't be let down again by your recovery. Let yourself die this once, so that you may be reborn pure. Your plague has been felt by too many branches on this family tree. Let yourself die, just this once, so that we may live our lives in peace again, together, without you. You were a ghastly mountain, in the gears of what family life should be. Let yourself die this time, if for no other reason than to show us that maybe you do have the capacity for love.

I smiled upon your death throes, And pray that I will not have to grimace at a single moment more of your precense in our lives. Die and let the fires burn your evil, so that you may be reborn, pure.

"Free from Hell, those who serve the Master."

Yes, but it was never said that there is only one Master.

I smile upon your death throes, with only the hope that the flames I have felt might offer you the same wisdom.

4:59pm: Breakthrough in Grey Room
Today, brothers and sisters, sons and daughters, I became a new man.

Today I gave the Devil a loving hug, and wished him well out the door.

Today, I closed a new door in the place of that old, weathered door.

A new door, with new locks, and even a new alarm system to go with it all.

All of which I will never use, because I'm not afraid of Lucifer anymore anyway.

Peers, let this be the first beam of light that shines from the core of this eternal, pulsing, heart/planet-machine. Friends, let these text waves feed your dome screens like floods might feed sandy deserts. May we forge through those deserts, the dryest periods of our lives, the periods where in desperation we look to the thorns of cactuses, just to sip survival. May we forge through with cracked skin from the fires, to our non-imaginary Oasis in the sand, only to reach through it like the rainbowed mist at the base of a sunlit waterfall.

"DON'T BLAME THE MESSENGER.

(For I am Death!)"

If you hate this or it's bad to the point of being laughable, just blame Burroughs. =)

7:13am: +-
An ad for some stupid fucking film just interrupted this Tragedy 7'' that I was grooving on, thanks to AIM. If this shit happens again, I'm showing up at AOL HQ with my hatchet, and a raincoat.

Kayo Dot at the Jerkstore tonight in Baltimore. I will be there, and so should you.

Saturday in Springfield, VA (Jaxx), is the Midwinter Night's Dream show. "A night of doom and epic metal"!. The lineup is excellent, and good doom shows are few and far between, so this isn't one to look over. I don't want to hear any bitching about this show being out of the way, because it really isn't, especially since it's on a Saturday. So grow some balls and get your doom on with me. Refer to www.myspace.com/amidwinternightsdream / www.jaxxroxx.com

Hannigoat, sorry I never responded to your message yesterday, I never had enough time. And now that I do, MySpace is down. YOUKNOWHOWITIZ.

Mighty weekend ahead.

3:51pm: For rizzle
1) Was 2005 a good year for you? - Only the best.

2) What was your favorite moment of the year? I would have to say Sunn O))) a few nights ago at the Ottobar, but there are many contenders. 1: X trip with Steve in Berklee. 2: Shroom trip with Steve, at the Marin Headlands. 3: Birdflesh at Deathfest. Giving Dan a sweat and Grind soaked hug after their set. 4: Wolf Eyes and Prurient in Richmond, with Jonathan Ayer. 5: Boris at the Ottobar, with Adam Brammer and Clint Pfarr. 6: Earth at the Ottobar, with Adam Brammer and Clint Pfarr. 7: Grief & Biolich in Cambridge, with Jade and Aaron. Meeting Forbes. 8: Making love to Jade for the first time. 9: The wrestling weekend to end all wrestling weekends, with Kevin Musgrave and Eddie Rian. We saw 5 wrestling shows in three days, all killer cards. RoH took the crown. 10: Meeting Shawn Malloy and spending the night at his home. 11: Meeting Todd Blackburn, especially the day we spent hiking and talking. 11: Two week long trip with Jade, and my family, to Maine. 12: All of the fun, laid back dates I have been on with Mary Jane recently. 13: Hiking Chase Mountain with Aaron, in Maine. 14: Crazy nights out with the Magic Crew. 15: Salvadore Dali museum trip, with Jade last April. 15: Municipal Waste, R.A.M.B.O., Witch Hunt show in Richmond, with Jade and Todd. 16: My first Jones family (my blood father's side) reunion in over a decade. 17: One year anniversary for being Vegetarian, the day after Thanksgiving. 18: False Hope, MAC show in Blacksburg, with Jade and Mike Paparo. 19: The discovery and recognition of Synchronicity. 20. Oystering for the first time, with my dad. 21. The minimal, but amazing time I have spent with Martin Pursley.

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year? Stayed in Roanoke too long, I was getting very depressed and antzy there. Besides that, right now, because I'm suffering through what is either my worst ear infection ever, OR a ruptured ear drum.

4) Where were you when 2005 began? In Roanoke, probably. I don't even remember what we did that night.

5) Who were you with? Jade and her parents, I'm assuming, but I really don't remember.

6) Where will you be when 2005 ends? Sketchy right now? Somewhere in Maryland, probably.

7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends? I have no idea.. How exciting!

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2005? Nope, still a fat slob.

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2006? Absolutely. Gain composure!!

10) Did you fall in love in 2005? Twice. Danielle early in February, and Anita on Thanksgiving night.

11) If yes, with who? Meghann. See above.

12) If yes, do they know? Yeah. Probably, and doubtful.

13) Are you still in love with them? No, and yes.

14) You regret it? Absolutely not.

15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2005? No.

16) Did you make any new friends in 2005? Oooooh yes.

17) Who are your favorite new friends? Clint Pfarr, Otto Rode, Mark Mevedoich, Lauren Watson, Chris Price, Kaitlyn Vogler, Kevin Hannigan, Mis, Jason MTG, Shane MTG, Mike MTG

18) What was your favorite month of 2005? Tie between last January with Steve, and right now.

19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2005? Well, I dreamed I was in Cuba once. Does that count?

20) How many different states did you travel to in 2005? VA, ME, MA, NY, RI, PA, DE, CA

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005? Danielle, in a way.

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year? Many people. It's what brought me back home.

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005? Fuck you! I guess I will go with The Shining.

24) What was your favorite song from 2005? "I want to be a Hulkamaniac"

25) What was your favorite record from 2005? Ummmm. Either Sunn O))), Khanate, or Pelican.

26) How many concerts did you see in 2005? 20 - 30?

27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2005? Sunn O))) destroyed everyone.

28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005? Not at all.

29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2005? Hehehehe.

30) How many people did you sleep with in 2005? 1.

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? I have no shame.

33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005? "I love you."

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2005? Yes.

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2005? Probably.

36) How much money did you spend in 2005? "Things cost too much." - Kevin Hannigan

37) What was your proudest moment of 2005? What happened to me at the Sunn O))) show.

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005? Nothing comes to mind.

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something, what would it be? "Fuck it all, and no regrets!!" - James Hetfield

40) What are your plans for 2006? 2005 closed out for me with strongs lessons of Synchronicity. I hope to start 2006 with teachings of Composure.

12:21am: [poi
A new fucking low.

Not a MySpace member? Don't worry, this gem's pictures can be found behind the cut, with their original captions. ( Africa. Redneck teen girl. Rifles. Dead creatures, among them an elephant. )

11:25am: ()()()()




I had the privilege of seeing Wolf Eyes and Prurient in Richmond last night. I don't have much to say about the experience, other than GODDAMN.

It was the kind of show that was so good, that you feel like vomiting and crying at the same time.

)()()()(

11:06am: rrr
The evolution of language, especially towards a sort of new universal or global language, could be what humanity needs to truly come together as one.

I feel now that language barriers will eventually dissolve, and with them many of our other boundaries between each other will dissolve as well.

Share your thoughts.

m

8:39am: >>>>>>
Call me Al Bundy.

Yeah, I'm currently working full time as a women's shoe salesman.

So I'm a vegetarian/vegan anarchist that's selling animal skin in a large shopping mall.

Life is fucking cruel.

It's actually a very comfortable job, and I'm learning A LOT about culture and society. Know your enemy, I guess.

><<<<<<

10:52pm: Ugh.
"HAVANA, Cuba (CNN) -- Cuban President Fidel Castro told more than 1,500 doctors Sunday night that American officials had made "absolutely no response" to his offer to send them to the U.S. Gulf Coast to help victims of Hurricane Katrina."

"WASHINGTON (AFP) - The White House answered Havana's offer of aid to help victims of Hurricane Katrina by saying it hoped Cuban President Fidel Castro would "offer freedom to his people." More.

---

Mumia Abu-Jamal's commentary on the results of Katrina. - prisonradio.org

If you aren't familiar with Mumia, I recommend that you educate yourself about him here. WELL worth your time. - Mumia.

"Mumia Abu-Jamal (born Wesley Cook April 24, 1954) is a journalist and political activist, most famous for his 1982 conviction and death sentence for the murder of Daniel Faulkner, a police officer, and for the subsequent mass campaigns for and against him. Technically, he had been awaiting execution in Pennsylvania from 1982 until December 2001 when Federal District Court judge William Yohn overturned Jamal's death sentence. However, Yohn reaffirmed Jamal's conviction, ruling that he will remain in custody indefinitely."

.Hug